thoughts from the rambler

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"we just want you to be happy, megan."

this is something i hear quite often;

for as long as i can remember, my parents have

shared with me and emphasized the importance of being happy. 

or rather, of making myself happy.

i have to admit, 

after graduating from college, and even towards the end 

of my college career, i was not happy.

i was sad, disappointed with myself, and constantly anxious. 

anxious about my future.

unsure of myself as a person.

nervous about the decisions i was preparing to make.

with a great deal of support, however, 

i pushed through those years. 

i contemplated going back to school (numerous times),

tried working a variety of jobs.

created new friendships, and said goodbye to some, too.

dated several people.

and experienced what felt like an emotional pendulum - 

swinging back and forth, back and forth. 

i am not sure what changed exactly.

i cannot pinpoint a particular moment in time,

choice that was made,

or experience that took place.

perhaps it is a culmination of things -

but something changed for the better.

i finally feel content.

i feel happy with where i am in my life right now.

i can confidently say i am proud of myself. that is big. 

proud of my accomplishments.

proud of the person i am becoming 

(though that will likely continue to change (ever so slightly)).

proud of the decisions i have made. 

mom and dad, i can wholeheartedly say, "i am happy."

i know i will to have good days and bad days, too.

i will surely call you crying 

and continue to need your support, faith in me, and reassurance.

you will have to remind me to strive for happiness. 

when i get lost (which i will), 

and when i make a mistake (and i will make many),

please remind me that i can find that stability, 

and that happiness again. 

that's all.

xoxo.